What parts of the Bible, if any, are inappropriate to read to children? Why?

[2] And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my THIGH:

Joel 3

Hos 4

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Lk 7

Song 8

[8] And I will SELL your sons and your DAUGHTERS into the hand of the children of Judah, and they shall SELL them to the Sabeans, to a people far off: for the LORD hath spoken it.

How strict are your parents?

Gen 24

[1] O that thou wert as my brother, that SUCKED the breasts of my mother: when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.

Nah 3

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[3] And I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of Heaven, and the God of the Earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell:

[15] Every one that is found shall be thrust through; and every one that is joined unto them shall fall by the sword.

Gen 24:2–3 on “primitive” gesture of touching a loin (under a thigh) for a vow.

Are you afraid of being alone?

[45] Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to KISS my FEET.

Jer 8

[10] Therefore will I GIVE their WIVES unto others, and their fields to them that shall inherit them: for every one from the least even unto the greatest is given to covetousness, from the prophet even unto the priest every one dealeth falsely.

What does it feel like when a guy cums in your ass?

[16] Their children also shall be DASHED to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their WIVES ravished.

[44] And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.

Apart from parable (Song 8:1, Nah 3:5, etc), in reality:

My stepmother has banned me from the family. Can she legally keep me from going to my father's funeral?

[5] Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts; and I will DISCOVER thy SKIRTS upon thy face, and I will shew the nations thy nakedness, and the kingdoms thy shame.

Jesus’ Feet Smooching in Lk 7:44.

[13] Therefore I will shake the Heavens, and the Earth shall remove out of her place, in the wrath of the LORD of hosts, and in the day of his fierce anger.

How can someone effectively handle a targeted individual?

Isa 13

[14] I will NOT punish your DAUGHTERS when they commit whoredom, nor your SPOUSES when they commit adultery: for themselves are separated with whores, and they sacrifice with harlots: therefore the people that doth not understand shall fall.

[14] And it shall be as the chased roe, and as a sheep that no man taketh up: they shall every man turn to his own people, and flee every one into his own land.

If you caught a shoplifter at your yard sale, how would you handle it?